Seas, Sharks and Insanity I believe

[deputydawg]

Media reports on a powerful magnet which disrupts the sensory organs of sharks and repels them. This for use by those with a rubber fetish, camera, and speargun. I had to jump from a height into water wearing combats and boots, tread water for 2 minutes and swim 50 yards for an Army certificate "Flotsam" not "Jetsum". Since, through necessity, swam amongst the unseen, Barracuda in the Caribbean, and Pirana in the Amazon. Never a wish to molest sharks. My fevered brain thinks these numpties will be found dead welded to the rusted steel of shipwrecks on seabeds, bloated and, have bitten bums with a magnet shoved up the central orifice. Some may be magnetised by passing steel hulled Ocean Liners and could end up similarly bloated and dead in Harbours such as New York, Gibraltar, or Hong Kong !

[BLUE BUTTERFLY]

Why oh why did I pray that you would join the forum? I have fallen from my chair, the cat is trembling under the bed, my TC hubby is looking on in bewildered puzzlement, my pyjama top is soaked with tears, and I have been incoherent for 15 minutes, thank God the bathroom isn't far.

My mother used to say, 'be careful what you wish for' I should have listened.

[Keithcaley]

I just took a quick look at the time that he posted - nearly 10 O'Clock!!

He should be in bed by now - I think he must have taken a double dose of cough medicine (surely, nothing stronger ) and the poor Wildebeest is presently shoo-ing him up the apples and pears...

[BLUE BUTTERFLY]

Poor woman, 'bless her', she must have the patience of a saint

[Keithcaley]

Oh she has, believe me, she has - she's even polite to his 'weird on-line friends'
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[deputydawg]

In bed by 10 pm ? Wilde is snoring/snorting until gone midnight ! Have been firmly told that the kudos of her Wive's Institute Jam making diploma now exceeds the "Flotsam" certificate. It seems that all I can manage now days is a 5 metre crossing of the pool, by doggie paddle, with a foam noodle clutched in my crutch to aid bouyancy. Had to concede that this epic struggle can only be completed if I have had a few cans of lager propelling me by flatulence. Told Wilde that if this is the case she should get her butt into the kitchen now and again and help me wih the cooking. Big mistake, as I am running out of places to hide. You will be pleased to know that this may curtail my posts for some time as I have to spend a lot of time in the shed but I am grateful for the bolt I fitted on the inside to repel frontal attacks !

[BLUE BUTTERFLY]

Oh not again, you are a serious threat to my domestic stability, the cat has practically left home, only cautiously entering at meal times, after first checking that the laptop is firmly closed.

The hubby who speaks little english wanders around muttering, 'crazy english woman' roll:

I missed you when 44 closed, but back then you didn,t post often so I had time in between to 'recover', twice in 2 days is too much of a good thing.

Do you have no hobbies? Maybe you could carve a nice umbrella stand out of an old tree trunk, or build a bookcase out of used matches, in between postings, this would get you in the wife,s good books and give me time to return to what for me, is normal.

Thank you,

[deputydawg]

Sorry Flutterby. I can only break things not build them. Would I get any Brownie points if rather than build a bookcase from spent matches I built lots of matches from a single bookcase ? I could manage that as I have a large chopper !

[BLUE BUTTERFLY]

Please leave go of it, you cause enough trouble without going around with that in your hand, and it could be an arrestable offence.

I am going to put out an appeal for people to donate their old bookcases to keep you occupied and my bathroom unnoccupied as I have had to take up permanent residency in there,thanks to you.

We can sell the resulting matches and donate the money to a good cause, such as a padlock for the outside of your shed and a 24 hour guard.

[tractorsafari]

[deputydawg]

Flutterby, you really are a contradiction to deal with. You want to lock me up without trial but provide a long term guard of honour for the inevitable quick escape ! I do have numerous hobbies (which the Wildebeest (bless her) dismisses as "unsavoury habits") and these include picking my large nose and picking locks. Your thoughts for charity are laudable. Amongst the mayhem we do try to support charities. I think perhaps this thread should now close as not everyone is amused by efforts to be a smart arse by a wizened old fart ?

[BLUE BUTTERFLY]

Okay, I know when I,m not wanted. I can take a hint. But just remember when you are sitting there picking various things and quietly contemplating where next to cause mayhem, who USED to be your number 1fan. Goodbye

[deputydawg]

Dear Blue Butterfly, I am so sorry that I have not made myself clear in my post and I am mortified that I have upset you. I thoroughly enjoy the banter with you and others but it is not lost on me that not everybody appreciates my nonsenses and being new to this forum the last thing I wanted to do was offend anyone. What I was trying to say is I think I have exhausted the subject of the thread and perhaps I should wind my neck in a bit that is why I put it as a question to you for advice. An illustration of my stupidity is that I used to enjoy the wind up of taking my mongrel dog "Pongo" into the Mess amongst the officer's pedigree gun dogs. This they did not find funny and I subsequently realised that Pongo was the wind up merchant as unknown to me he had "dumped" in the ante-room. Please, please, keep fluttering by as you are one fun lady who has kept me smiling.

[BLUE BUTTERFLY]

Only joking, it takes a lot to offend a Geordie.

I am sure I am not the only one who appreciates your sense of humour. But I agree, it is probably better to close the thread in order that I retain what little sanity I still possess.

Kind regards to the wife, poor soul.

[deputydawg]

Got the plonker hook, line and sinker didn't you. If I dish it out I must take it when it is incoming. Wilde will be proud of you for the way you stopped me dead in my tracks. I can go to bed, and now and be able to sleep, whilst

[BLUE BUTTERFLY]

Goodnight, sleep tight.