Police Complaint

[topten]

Don't know if this is genuine but its bloody funny


Police Complaint - just brilliant!
This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall
Police Force from an angry member of the public.
A true email sent to the force, lengthy but
brilliantly written and well worth the read .....

Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for
someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to
abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message
on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or
Ouija board.
As I’m writing this e-mail there are eleven failed
medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary’s Crescent, which is just off St Mary’s Road in Bodmin.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which
involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a
meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout
the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am
unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time
soon.
The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someonehas so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw
and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.
I fear that it’s only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own
arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I’ve just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of t he year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull
of one of these throwbacks you’ll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain your obedient servant
???????


Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand your
frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the
problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with
you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ??????? Community Beat
Officer

Dear PC ???????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy responseto my original e-mail.16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness20book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary’s Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on
his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It’s surely
only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for
Osama.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these t$@ts that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch on Fairpark Road or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should
feel free to contact me on <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still
failed to answer, I’ll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
Regards
?????????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don’t work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!

[The Dog Walker]

Superb --haven't laughed so much for a good many years.

[geroff]

Should have said there was a cat stuck up a tree, would have seen 20 police cars, armed police , the area closed down,16 fire vehicles, paramedics and the bbc tv crew!

[sophie]

Doesn't the poor soul realise that he can't stop these little angles from doing whatever they want to do? It's against their human rights. Mores the pity that their parents weren't strangled at birth.

[Groucho]

Doesn't the poor soul realise that he can't stop these little angles from doing whatever they want to do? It's against their human rights. Mores the pity that their parents weren't strangled at birth.

Angles - a Germanic tribe that settled in Britain - seems a bit extreme to strangle them...

[Hedge-fund]

It's a fake.

[sophie]

Fake or not, its very funny and regardless of who ever wrote probably had the feelings of a large number of Brits in mind at the time.

Groucho, as I spent most of my formative life in East Angela, I shall spell it just how I choose!

[Hedge-fund]

Fake or not, its very funny and regardless of who ever wrote probably had the feelings of a large number of Brits in mind at the time.

Groucho, as I spent most of my formative life in East Angela, I shall spell it just how I choose!

You're right - very funny and does ring true!

[ozonkoyboy]

Made my Day

[Philoz]

I once went out with a girl from Anglia called Angela who was quite Angular.

[karmels]

I hope you didn't take out in your FORD.

[Groucho]

I hope you didn't take out in your FORD.

No he Escorted her....

[kaiserphil]

I think you should all keep focussed

[pc4854]

Take her to Granada

[sophie]

You can have a great Fiesta in Granada, just be careful of the Thunderbirds.

[topten]

Please take their Beano's away

[tomsteel]

You could even Herald the Triumph via the Metro on a Mini meet.

[sophie]

Rovero, Rovero, wherefore art thou Rovero, your Giulietta awaits.