Not looking forward to the journey home

[deputydawg]

The Wildebeest (bless her) is due to arrive (by broomstick) at Ercan at Oh Christ Hundred Hours tonight and I am tasked to meet her carrying a list of barrack room damages perpetrated during her absence. This includes a vacuum cleaner which now only blows hot air and will not suck, a washing machine with a knackered door, a fridge/freezer which is making loud noises and defrosting instead of freezing, amongst other petty problems such as visits now necessary by TV and PC repairmen. The last time I collected her from Ercan she shredded my armoured kevlar flack jacket with ease so I doubt that by wearing a No 15 England Rugby shirt this time (quite ridiculous on an 11 stone wimp), plus a good shot of Viagra eyes drops in each eye in an attempt to make me look hard, is going to help me one bit.

If I make it back to base camp Wildee's check of the shopping list, which was telephoned through to me, will reveal no toilet rolls as listed but 12 kitchen towels (well they look the same to me) which we already have, and a giant pack of Dish Washer powder which I thought was washing powder ! I have opened the garden shed door and put a torch in there in anticipation of being banished from the house (again)

[Marions]

could i suggest, big bunches of flowers, oodles of charm, buckets of courage, more charm, a promise of the present of a life time, even further charm, - and still be prepared for that garden shed. One has to ask how you let yourself get into such a state!!!!

[Philoz]

I would retreat to the shed If I were you.
Or 'man hut' to give them their proper name.

[woodspeckie]

Have you replaced the burnt pans if not there will be no dinner for you tomorrow.

[Rambling Rose]

Book a couple of days in a suite in the best hotel you can find (honeymoon suite for preference) - candllit dinner followed by breakfast in bed and a lovely day's shopping tomorrow. Meanwhile bribe someone to restore the happy home to a place fit for human habitation.

If you have to rob a bank first, we will all come to your trial as character winesses and help you plead temporary (?) insanity and force majeur.

[deputydawg]

Wilde arrived punctually and stormed through arrivals wearing so many new clothes it looked like Mitchelin Tyre man in spite of 10 kilos pre-paid extra weight allowance. After an unsuccessful night of escape and invasion skills on my part I survived with just ear ache as Wildee has gone back to bed spluttering with a cold/chill. Thanks for all your advice which if extreme, in part, is valuable in my situation. I like the idea of a night in the bridal suite of a 5 star hotel but will need a cunning plan if Wildee is not to find out where I have gone. Pots and pans are under control as cooking the main daily meal is one of my chores/labour of love. The shopping trip could be a problem as I do not want her to learn what can be found in Dubai for example. Her shop till you drop trip to UK took in Stowmarket, Bury St Edmunds, Cambridge, Ipswich, Norwich. Colchester, Shrewsbury, plus other cities/towns, and apparently every department store en route. Why should I worry, I now have 2 new pairs of reading glasses, a gismo for removing unwanted hair from orifices, and a pair of the most ridiculously sized trainers, which would be OTT on a hooded teenager let alone a geriatric lager lout. Now that is love, innit ? I also like the idea of robbing a bank as your suggestion has reminded me that they have been robbing us for nearly 50 years. Now, let me think, most banks appear to be skint, so I am wondering if the Bank of England have anything left. Fort Knox would be difficult unless Wildee leads the assault !

[Rambling Rose]

I see what you mean about banks - get some of mind back while you are at it, please.

Do you think the gizmo for removing hair might just have been a gentle hint that you need to pay just a little more attention to detail before you think about honeymoon suites.? Maybe the football shirt sent the wrong message?

Back to the vacuum cleaner - did you attach the hose to the right end of the machine? As for the Viagra - words fail me, I am far too much of a lady to comment.

[Keithcaley]

Rose,

I think that he needs to apply some of the aforementioned drops to the area immediately above his mouth...


That way, he will at least have a 'Stiff Upper Lip'...

[Rambling Rose]

Maybe it is his resolve that needs stiffening, but I have no idea where he would apply the drops for that.

But it throws a whole new light on Shakespeare and Henry V.

"Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
disguise fair nature with hard favoured rage,,
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect ..............."

[Mr Mac]

Oh Deputy Dawg I do so enjoy your rhetoric so good to have a chuckle and the light hearted banter that follows - long may it continue!!

[deputydawg]

Please behave Rambling Rose. You know I can't do High Brow, as Keith can testify, especially now I have a gismo which removes eyebrows as well. If the Shaking Spear geezer had bought one for our "enery the French would now look like this . I asked Wilde to buy me the gismo to negate the attentions of our village barber, who has the strange sounding Turkish name of Tweeny Sodd. He has been inflicting pain by shoving his cigarette lighter in my ears, up my nose, and anywhere else it would fit. As if I would be stupid enough to reply yes when he clutches his cut throat razor and offers to shave me !

Mr Mac. I find that if one does not think too deeply about things life can be a breeze. It was once said of me that I had great leadership qualities because soldier's followed me, but, only out of a sense of curiosity to see what the hell I would get up to next !

[Rambling Rose]

DD you do seem to be a trifle confused about the correct application of products.

"Growmore" should be put on the garden, NOT your eyebrows, etc.